Love in the Medical Bay
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: The story of Rimmer and McGruder. How they first met in the medical bay, and the misunderstanding that drove them apart. Sorry about the lame title [Oneshot, expect no sequel]


Disclaimer: All belongs to Grant Naylor Productions, as usual.

As for the Rimmer/McGruder time-line, I did my best to stick to the canon, but book-canon and tv-canon were contradicting each other. Book canon was even contradicting itself. So I worked with it as best as I could, and hopefully I made something good.

Thanks to Symbimorph for beta'ing and making this a better fic.

Todhunter was sitting in the teaching room, awaiting the entrants for the astronavigation exam. It was his turn to supervise it, much to his dismay after he had found that Rimmer would partake. He wondered how long it would take Rimmer to faint this time. He had done fairly well last time; lasting a full thirty minutes before anxiety had gotten the better of him.

He took another sip of his coffee, and watched the entrants walk in, some looking more nervous than others. They all found a spot, but Rimmer was still missing.

Todhunter decided to start his 'don't cheat' speech. Even if Rimmer would still come in, he'd already know that speech by now.

"So, to sum it up: no modems, no speaking slide rules, no cheating. If we catch any of you doing this, you will fail automatically and be excluded for the next exam."

Rimmer stumbled in, panting. He did a quick salute and sat down on the last available seat.

"Sorry I'm late Sir, was hold up by Lister - the goit - Sir."

Todhunter nodded. "You may all start your exam now. You have three hours."

He sat down and watched the others sweat over their exams. Boring as the supervising might be, it was also the easiest part of being an astronavigation officer. No other part of the job meant sitting around and watching others for three hours while doing whatever one liked. Todhunter usually brought a book with him.

He was about to start where he had left off when he saw Rimmer go into spasm on his chair. This wasn't normal, not even for Rimmer. He grabbed his phone and called the medical unit.

"Request for two people with a stretcher in the teaching room, someone has gone into spasm. I repeat, send a stretcher, someone has gone into spasm."

He ran over to Rimmer, who by now had fallen off his chair. The other entrants had turned around, looking worried. "Don't worry, I've sent for back-up, he'll be okay after some time in the medical unit, just continue with the exam." Todhunter told the others, who went back to work.

He checked Rimmer's pulse, which was way higher than it should be. Amphetamines, no doubt. Add that to Rimmer's nerves and you had a cocktail that no one would drink, no matter how desperate. Todhunter sighed, and hoped that Rimmer would be taken away soon.

Yvonne McGruder hated the medical bay. She hated having to stay in bed for 'at least a couple of days', only because some winch had fallen on her head. She felt fine, the doctors said she was fine except for her concussion, but she was still supposed to rest for the next few days, to make sure there weren't any complications.

It was all for her own good, she knew that, but she didn't have to like any of it.

It was even worse that she was the only one in this room. No room-mates to talk to, just the television and some books her friends had brought her during visiting hours. She looked at the clock, a little pas six in the evening. Visiting hours were long over by now. It would be just be her, the books and the television until she fell asleep.

She looked up when she heard some noise in the hallway. People were talking, probably the doctors.

"...No, no, we can't bring him in here, this one's full! Take him in there, plenty of room..."

The doors to the room opened, and two nurses brought in an unconscious man on a stretcher, followed by one of the doctors.

"Yes, put him on that bed." He turned to Yvonne. "Sorry to disturb you, Miss McGruder, but the other wards are full, so we had to put him here. He'll be no trouble I expect. If he acts a bit weird, it's because of the mood stabilisors. You know the button to call the nurse, right? Don't hesitate to press it if he gets dangerous for some reason." The doctor said.

Yvonne smiled. "I'm the female boxing champion, I don't think he'll be much of a problem."

The doctor chuckled. "I suppose you're right. Still, better safe than sorry, and try not to beat him up too bad if he bothers you." He checked on the new patient again. "Well, pulse seems to be back to normal. He'll be fine tomorrow."

He nodded to the nurses. "Alright, let's get out of here, I need to check on the bone fracture in the next ward." The doctor and nurses left as swiftly as they had walked in

Yvonne leaned over to see who her room-mate was. If she was lucky, it'd be someone she could get along with. If not, she'd just have to make the best of it. He looked vaguely familiar for some reason... but none of her colleagues had messy curls like him?

The man snorted a bit, and turned to face her, still asleep. "Oh my." She mumbled. She didn't know what she had done to deserve this, but by some amazing stroke of luck her new room-mate was someone she had wanted to get closer to ever since she had first seen him. She smiled to herself.

Maybe the medical bay wasn't that bad after all.

Since he had shown no sign of waking up, Yvonne had decided to read one of the books until he did. She felt a bit nervous, which she thought was a bit silly. She was a mature woman and very able to deal with men she liked, even if they had nice curly hair she couldn't wait to tangle her fingers in. She glanced over to the other bed. He still wasn't awake, and looked rather sweet, sleeping like that.

"Get a grip, Yvonne. You're an adult, not an hormonal teenage girl!" She muttered to herself before concentrating on her book again.

A snort came from the other bed, followed by some tossing and turning. When Yvonne looked over, he was looking at her, a bit confused. Their eyes locked, and he smiled.

"Are you an angel?"

That would be the mood stabilisors then. "Nope. Just plain old regular human being like you."

"So, I'm not dead then?"

Yvonne shook her head and smiled. "No. The doctors said you'll be fine in the morning."

"Oh." He rolled back on his back and stared at the ceiling for a moment. "What're you here for?" He asked eventually.

She didn't want to tell him about the winch, it seemed a bit silly and stupid. "Oh, just an accident during training. Boxing, y'know. It's less serious than it looks, trust me."

He nodded. "Boxing. You're Yvonne McGruder, right? Female boxing champion?"

Quite chuffed that he knew who she was, she smiled. "The one and only. And who are you?" She had wanted to know this for ages, ever since seeing him in the cafeteria a few weeks ago. It just felt wrong asking other people about it, since rumours spread quickly aboard this ship and she hated rumours, especially about herself.

"Arnold Rimmer. I'd shake your hand but the beds are too far apart from that." He smiled again, and extended his hand to demonstrate.

Wait. Rimmer? She had heard about Rimmer. Apparently, he was some slimy git who had been second technician ever since he had come aboard Red Dwarf. No one had ever pointed him out to her, but she didn't come across the second technicians as a flight technician herself.

She had only been aboard for three months, not nearly long enough to put faces to all the names. There was no way that this man was some charmless weasel. The vague smile around his lips as he watched his extended hand shake, that wasn't the smile of a charmless weasel. Okay, so the hand-shaking was probably due to mood stabilisors, but all the same.

"I noticed. Enjoying the hand flailing?"

"Er... that was probably a bit weird, wasn't it?" He looked a bit embarrassed. "Sorry about that."

"It's probably just the mood stabilisors, they have that effect on people." They certainly had on some her colleagues. The stories they could tell about hallucinations and general craziness were mind-boggling. It'd be interesting to see the effect it had on someone. And who knew what might come from some general craziness.

"Mood stabilisors? What for? All I did was..." He stopped in the middle of his sentence. "I just... ate some food that... didn't go down well. All Lister's fault. He's my bunk-mate." He added for clarification.

Yvonne nodded. Well, it sounded convincing but the pauses indicated that he was lying. She couldn't blame him, she hadn't told him the truth either. "So, this Lister, does he get you in here often?"

"Some months more often than others." He stared at the wall. "But it's not like I never send him here, it's the only way to get some peace. Maybe we should work out some sort of schedule. Half the time he'll be in here, the other half me. That might work." A rumble from his stomach interrupted his thought. "I guess I'm a bit peckish. Any chance of some dinner?"

Yvonne shook her head. "Sorry, you've missed dinner, I'm afraid. I have a friend in catering though; I'm sure she could bring us something. She owes me a favour anyway."

He smiled again. "You'd do that for me?"

"Why not? I wouldn't mind some after-dinner snack. As long as we keep it simple enough, she won't mind." Yvonne tried to think of something simple, something Cassie would have standing by. "How about a pizza?"

"Good idea. How about a 'Quattro formaggio'?" He grinned. "With extra olives, if you don't mind."

Yvonne reached for her phone. Since the local phone system on Red Dwarf operated on different wavelengths than the medical equipment, there'd be no harm done. "No, I'm rather fond of olives myself, don't worry."

"Hey Cass. Yeah, it's me. No, still in bed, doctor's orders. I know. So, could you do me a favour? Me and my room-mate here are getting a bit hungry here, you know what food they serve around here. Yes, you'd think that, wouldn't you? Could you make us a pizza? 'Quattro formaggio' - with extra olives? Thanks a bunch, see you in half an hour then." She hung up. "She'll be round in half an hour."

"But visiting hours are over. How is she going to get past the doctors?" He was looking rather worried. "What if they confiscate the pizza?"

"I wouldn't underestimate Cassie. She'll figure some way to get the olive-goodness to us." Yvonne reassured him. It didn't seem to reassure him though.

"Do you know what they're going to do the confiscated pizza?"

"Eat it?" Yvonne guessed.

"Exactly! They're going to enjoy the best pizza in the history of pizza, and I'll starve to death." He sulked for a bit, while Yvonne tried to hide her laughter. It was quite sweet really, the way he worried about his pizza.

"Arnold... I promise you, cross my heart and hope to die, that you will get your pizza." She told him earnestly.

He looked back, semi-sad puppy dog eyes from the sulking. "Promise?"

The puppy eyes. The sad puppy eyes, even. Yvonne was a sucker for the damn things, and he had very nice puppy eyes indeed. She was about to berate herself mentally for falling for them every time, when he started snickering.

"Sorry about that, I was being a tad melodramatic there." He said, shaking his head like he didn't believe what he had just done. "I'm never like that normally, honest."

"So, what're you normally like then, when you're not 'under the influence'?" Yvonne asked, genuinely curious. She had to find out if he was likeable in normal, everyday life, or they wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell together.

"Hmm. Difficult question, really. I try to be social and likeable, but it's quite difficult when you have to work the amount of hours that I do, and study for the astronavigation exam as well. It doesn't leave that much time for social get-togethers, really." He said, after thinking for a moment.

Ah, studious and serious! Good, she hated the ambitiousless bum-type with a passion. The kind of guy who thought it was a big step to go out exclusively after two months of dating, and treated a career as something to be avoided.

They talked some more about various subjects; ranging from annoying co-workers to classical music and what they would do if they ever conquered their own small country.

"...And I was thinking, having a national anthem that scares away any would-be conquerors is all nice and dandy, but imagine having to listen to at every formal occasion. I'd go mad." Yvonne said.

"Well, you could always compose a second anthem for those formal occasions and just leave the annoying one for other things." Arnold replied. "Though it would be silly to have two national anthems." He added.

"Damn, you're right. Look, I'll just pass a law that states that you can have two anthems, as long as you use them for strictly separate occasions, so no one gets confused." Having that sorted out, it was time to think of a national animal.

"Personally, I think some sort of predator would be suitable, or a fierce creature indeed. After all, we just conquered the bloody country, we're entitled to fierce creatures." Yvonne was having fun with this discussion, even if it was a bit immature.

"What d'you mean, 'we' conquered? I'm not going to time-share my ruling. Or any type of shared-ruling, for that matter." He replied stubbornly.

"Who said anything about sharing? After we conquer that country, you're demoted to personal servant and slave. I'm not sharing my country with anyone either."

Personal servant and slave, oh yes. She knew what her first orders would be...

"Slave? Hah, just wait for my coup d'etat! I'd have you in chains before you could send your watchdogs after me." Arnold smiled at her smugly.

She was about to ask him if he was always that kinky, when Cassie walked in with the pizza.

"Hey there, ya sickos!" The blonde woman smiled at them. "One 'Quattro Formaggio' with extra olives. Where d'you want it?"

"Oh, put it on his nightstand, he's the hungriest." Yvonne said.

"Righto." After putting down the pizza and some napkins, Cassie shook Arnold's hand.

"Hi, Cassie Johnson, ship's pizza delivery woman."

"Arnold Rimmer, planning a coup d'etat as we speak." He replied.

Cassie looked at Yvonne with surprise. She shrugged in reply, and gave her a 'don't ask' look.

"Well, I'll leave the two of you to your pizza and your er, coup d'etat. Gotta go now, the captain has ordered some late-night nibbles for his weekly get-together with some of the other officers." She gave them a last wave before hurrying off.

"...See? Pizza delivered and intact, as promised." Yvonne said as Arnold opened the box. She could smell the pizza from her bed, making her realise that she could indeed do with some after-dinner snacks. She got out of her bed, glad that the medical bay had stopped making everyone wear those ridiculous backless gowns and had moved on to normal, ship-standard pajamas instead.

"Move over a bit." She said, as she sat down on Arnold's bed and grabbed a slice.

"Hey, this is my bed and my pizza!" He protested, holding the pizza box possesively.

"And who got you the pizza in the first place? Without me, you'd be starving to death." She took a bit of the pizza. Delicious, there was nothing better than pizza fresh from the kitchen.

Arnold was sitting up now as well. It had taken some adjusting to make a decent backrest out of the pillows, but it was better than eating the pizza lying down.

"No doubt I'm going to find pizza crust in my bed when I'm trying to sleep, but it's worth it." He said, taking the first bite of the pizza.

Yvonne considered offering to share her bed, but decided it would be a bit too forward, even as a joke. She ate her slice in silence, since talking with her mouth full wouldn't exactly be very attractive. She just hoped she didn't get enormous amounts of sauce on her face, it was rather hard to check that.

"What were we talking about before the pizza arrived?" Arnold asked, having finished his first slice, and reaching for another.

Yvonne thought for a moment, and swallowed the piece of pizza.

"I think... I think you were going to have me in chains after you had taken over my country."

"Right. I am afraid I would have to kill you as well, y'know... being such a danger to my regime. Good pizza, compliments to that friends of yours." He took a big bite, before chewing contently.

She snorted. "Kill me? Hah, I'd have my supporters kill your supporters before you could give the command to have my head chopped off." She made a hacking motion with her hand.

"Hmm. I'll just have to get better supporters then." He shrugged. "Napoleon didn't take over most of Europe in one day. I've got time."

"Yes, but Napoleon was a brilliant strategist and he was trained as a soldier. I doubt you're either." She replied.

"Hey, I've won quite a lot of Risk games in my days. I bet I could still beat most people on the ship." He looked a bit insulted as he took another bite of his pizza.

She snorted again. "You could beat most people at checkers on this ship. If it doesn't require a computer, they don't think it's a game." She noticed a particularly unattractive looking speck of sauce on his right cheek and reached for a napkin. "Here, let me get that." And wiped it off with one swift motion.

He looked at her, completely surprised. "I could've done that myself."

"Yeah, but we'd have to spend five minutes going 'No, bit more to your left', 'Is it gone now?' 'No, not quite'." She shrugged again. "This was just easier."

"You've got some on you as well, you know." He replied, taking the napkin from her and wiping whatever it was off her face.

"You should've mentioned that earlier." Yvonne said, a little undignified.

"It looked rather fetching on you, actually. That piece of gorgonzola really brought out the colour of your eyes." He made it sound believable.

"You do realise my eyes are blue, right? And that gorgonzola does nothing to complement that?" Then again, men weren't known for their colour co-ordinating skills.

"I noticed. A very nice shade indeed." He grabbed another slice. He was a quick eater, she was only halfway her second while he was starting on his third.

She resisted the urge to grin and just smiled. "Thanks." She looked at him. "Yours aren't too bad either."

"Please, they're a murky sort of brown." He scoffed.

She leaned in, under the pretense of taking a closer look at his eyes. "Nope, I have to disagree with you there. They're brown, but not what I would call murky." She tried to bring her heart-beat down to a normal speed, but it didn't listen. She was close, very close. All she had to do was lean in a little bit more and try not to let her nerves get to her.

He seemed a bit startled at her sudden leaning in, but he didn't seem to mind very much. "Oh, I... er, I just thougt they were a bit murky, and well, no one really likes their own eyes very much." He gave a short chuckle. "I mean, you probably don't think that much of your eyes either, you probably just think they're some boring old everyday blue, but they're not." She nodded, letting him ramble. He was nervous as well. That was either a good sign, or a bad sign. Please, let it be a good sign.

"Because you've got different shades of blue, there's the really dark blue bordering on black, like the view outside, a bit. Your eyes aren't like that, really. They're more a brighter blue and erm, it's a nice blue. Very nice, actually." He fell silent.

She smiled at him. "Thank you, Arnold." She paused and looked at his nervous smile.

"Oh dear, seems like you've still got some sauce on you." He started to apologise and reached for the napkin, but Yvonne was quicker and softly kissed the corner of his mouth. He didn't pull away, so she slowly made her way to his mouth and pressed her lips against his.

For two horrifying seconds, she thought he wasn't going to kiss her back and she was about to pull away and apologise for the whole thing when he did. And it felt wonderful. She did pull away eventually, and smiled sheepishly.

"That was..."

"...Very nice." He said, and smiled about as sheepish as she was.

"Very nice." She agreed.

He looked at the pizza he was still holding, half-eaten and bits of cheese hanging off. "I've never kissed anyone while holding a slice of pizza."

"If it makes you feel better, I've never kissed anyone who was holding a slice of pizza." She admitted.

He put the slice back in the box. "That's a relief indeed." He looked at her again, slightly nervous. "What happens now?"

She leaned in again, and grinned. "Now we're going to do some more things no one has ever done with a half-eaten 'Quattro Formaggio' with extra oliver next to them." She kissed him again, and continued to do so for quite some time.

Later that evening, Yvonne was lying in his arms, listening to him sleep. It felt good to be in a man's arms again, especially these. She snuggled a bit closer, and tried to sleep when she heard some voices outside the ward.

"Are you ready to start the round yet? We need to make sure all the patients are doing fine."

"Yeah, I'll be with you a in minute, I just need to finish this up." Someone replied.

Of course! The doctors would be doing the night-time rounds, to check on the patients. Yvonne swore inwardly. She'd have to get back to her own bed, and fast. She gathered her clothes and hastily put on the pajama top. She didn't bother with the rest, that could wait until later. She kicked the half-eaten pizza and its box under the nightstand, hoping it wouldn't be noticed. She got in her bed, and tried to look as if she were sleeping.

A few hours later, Arnold woke up and smiled. He had done it. He had actually gone and done it with a woman who was real and unpaid and had wanted him in return.

...So where was she now?

He remembered falling asleep holding her, and now she was gone. He looked around, and saw her in her own bed. She probably climbed back afterwards, for some reason. Maybe she liked her space, or something like that?

He got out of bed, planning to go to the toilet when he stepped in something. He looked down, and guessed correctly that it was the pizza. He wiped it off as well as he could, and slipped on his clothes. "Might as well get rid of this. I wake up to enough horrible food smells with Lister." He muttered, and threw it in a container outside the ward on his way to the bathroom.

The next morning, both woke up next to an empty bed. Yvonne couldn't believe it. She had looked over to the other bed, expecting to see Arnold, and there was nothing there. Just a fresh bed, no sign of someone else at all. Even the pizza box was gone, but that was to be expected from the cleaners. Yvonne rubbed her face, trying to wake up and figure out what had happened. She had gone to sleep with Arnold next to her, and now he wasn't here.

Maybe they had moved him to another ward, it was the only explanation she could think of at the moment. Either that... and she really didn't want to think this... or her concussed brain had made it all up. The doctors had warned her about that.

She shook her head in denial. No. it had to be real. Her brain could not have made all that up.

Arnold had come to that conclusion as well when he had found the bed next to his empty. They had either moved him or her to another ward. It was the only thing that made sense.

Well, unless you considered the mood stabilisors they had given him. He knew they could cause hallucinations. He knew they could be incredibly realistic, like a dream where you'd swear it had all been real, no matter how illogical it was. That would explain it, wouldn't it? The one time he hit it off with a girl, and it was all a drug-induced hallucination. Made much more sense than a girl actually liking him.

He tried to tell that part of his brain to shut up, but it wouldn't listen. It never did.

Neither of them knew that one of them had been moved during the night. One of the night nurses had decided that it just wasn't decent to have one man and one woman share the same ward, and had moved Rimmer to an empty ward. All its patients had been sent away that evening, and it was a shame to have an empty ward and not use it. The doctor on duty had decided it wasn't necessary to wake them up just to tell them one of them was going to move, since it would do more harm than good to their health.

There was only thing to it, Yvonne decided. She wouldn't ask the doctors, as the risk of it all being in her head were too big. She couldn't live it down if they knew she had dreamt some man here.

Surely Arnold would contact her if it had been real. All she had to do was wait for him to call her. She nodded to herself. That would solve it. If he calls her, it had been real. If he didn't call her, it was all a dream.

He couldn't ask the doctors if they had moved him. He'd have to explain about the girl, and if he had hallucinated her, they'd laugh at him. He couldn't face their laughter or the rumours following it. 'Did you hear about Rimmer? That sad git had to hallucinate a girl in order to get laid, can you believe it?' He could see their mocking faces already, especially Lister's.

No, the only answer was to wait for her to get in touch with him. Surely she would do that, they had gotten on too well last night not to... if it had all been real.

If it had all been real.

If.


End file.
